Murderer
by Shamelesss
Summary: McKay destroyed almost an entire solar system. What he didn't know is thousands of people lived in one of its planets. Set right after Trinity.
1. Should we tell him ?

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Universe.

Rodney McKay made his way to Dr Weir's office, thinking back to the last time he'd been there, just after he'd blown up almost an entire solar system. Elisabeth didn't seem so angry this time though, so he figured she wasn't about to reprimand him _again._ After all, he'd learned his lesson. No more playing around with things even the all-mighty Ancients didn't know how to use. Period.

However he didn't come in immediately, overhearing an argument going on inside. Sheppard and Weir, disagreeing about something. He decided it would be wiser to wait it out.

He didn't mean to spy, but his name caught his attention. They were arguing about _him._

"Anyway, Rodney's on his way. I called him."

"You _can't_ possibly want to tell him, can you ?"

"And why not ?"

"It's downright cruel, that's why! It would serve no purpose whatsoever!"

"How about making him face what he did ? Elisabeth, he doesn't even _get_ it! He's still acting like a prat!"

_'Am not!'_ thought Rodney. Well, not more than Sheppard, anyway. The man still hadn't forgiven him, and it had been two weeks. Seriously, how long was he planning on holding that grudge ? Everyone made mistakes.

"And would you rather him being depressed ? I thought he was your friend."

"You're right, he _was_."

Rodney forced himself not to react at that. He knew perfectly well he had lost whatever affection the military man might have held for him. He couldn't take it anymore, though. He knocked twice, cutting Weir's answer.

"You wanted to see me ma'am?"

"Actually colonel Sheppard was the one who summoned you. Rodney… what we have to tell you isn't pleasant, in fact I'd rather not telling you at all, but as the crew of the Deadalus knows this and I think it will be better if you didn't learn it by someone else, I have no other choice."

"Well, what is it ?" he asked, wishing she'd stop circling around it and just spit it.

She didn't say anything, though, and looked up at John for help.

_'Must be real bad, then'_ he thought, now more scared than curious. Finally, John spoke up, not looking at him.

"McKay, when the Deadalus beamed us out of there" (he didn't need to say where "there" was) "the sensors picked up many life signs on a planet nearby."

Rodney paled. He asked, his voice shaking "How many?"

"Thousands", Weir replied. "I'm sorry Rodney. The planet was destroyed."

"By me" said Rodney. It wasn't a question. Weir answered anyway.

"To be fair, it wasn't entirely your fault, Rodney…"

"Yes, of course. Well, thank you for telling me, Elisabeth, Sheppard. I'll just… if you'll excuse me, I'll just go back to my quarters now."

Without waiting for an answer, he left the office, without bothering to close the door. He desperately needed to be alone right now.

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	2. Perfectionist to the death

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Universe.

He almost ran to his quarters, and at last shut the door behind him. _It's ok, you're home, it's ok_, he kept telling himself. But it wasn't ok. It would never be. _Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god_! He buried his face into his shaking hands, rocking himself as he tried to cry, to scream, anything to let out the overwhelming guilt, but he couldn't, he simply couldn't. The tears wouldn't come, he was too shocked. He was way beyond crying.

He just sat there, for hours, trying to reconcile with the fact that he had killed thousands of innocent people. He was a murderer. Destroyer of worlds. He was dangerous. His arrogance was dangerous, he knew it. Before, he had never thought of his arrogance as a flaw. It was just the way he was, a harmless character trait that merely compensated for his family's lack of reconnaissance in his abilities, an asset even, that allowed him to believe in himself enough to do extraordinary things. What use was a genius who didn't believe in himself ?

But this time, he had gone too far. And he would probably do it again, years from now, he'd try to put a rabbit out of a hat and would come up with a nuclear bomb instead…

Everybody made mistakes. But what if his next mistake ended up costing the life of everyone in Atlantis ? Sheppard almost died this time, along with him. What if next time it was Carson, or Radek, or Ronon, Teyla, Elisabeth… He just couldn't stand it.

Everyone made mistakes. But not everyone was blowing up entire solar systems. He wished he had never been born. Yes, he had saved Atlantis more than once in the past, but if he was honest with himself, he could see that even without him, they would probably have been ok. Radek was more than capable to avoid Atlantis' annihilation, and with the help of the other scientists, he probably was even more capable than him. Rodney worked alone, he didn't trust anyone even when he clearly should, as this disaster clearly showed. He should have listened. He had thought himself cleverer than Radek, but he had been wrong. So wrong.

If he was really honest with himself, he had to admit Atlantis would be better off if he wasn't here. He thought about going back to Earth, but the idea of living anywhere but here hurt too much.

He panicked again. How would react the others ? He would lose all his friends, he was sure of that. The entire crew of the Deadalus knew he was a murderer, so by the end of the week everyone on Atlantis would as well. An entire world. Destroyed. Because of him. It was too much.

He wondered if Sheppard would ever speak to him again. Probably not. No more going out on off-world missions. And he would never trust himself again either, so his job as head scientist was pretty much over too. His life was over. No friends, no job, and only the overwhelming guilt to keep him company.

_I wish my cat was here_ he thought briefly. But he didn't even deserve the animal's affection, did he ? Hell, he had probably killed lots of cats too, on the planet. Granted, they had never encountered any cats in the Pegasus galaxy so it really was a stupid thought, but with his luck, he'd probably destroyed the only planet in this whole galaxy where there were lots of cats.

He was going crazy. He wanted to stop. Stop feeling, stop thinking. He thought of asking Carson for sleeping pills, but he knew that when he woke up he would still feel the same. Truth was, he wasn't sure he wanted to live anymore.

As soon as that terrible thought crossed his mind, the panic stopped. He felt calm, calmer than he ever had been. Suddenly his mind was clear. It was just like old times, when he thought about a problem and suddenly the solution came to him. That was it. He was going to kill himself like the coward he was, and everything would be ok. No more thoughts, no more loneliness, no more panic. Just… nothing. An eternity of nothing.

Feeling very weird, as if it wasn't really happening, as if he was looking at himself from a distant point, he stood up, took his gun and sat on his bed. It didn't feel right. He put the gun on the bed under the covers, then stood up again. He went to the bathroom, slowly, as if he had no care in the world. He just wanted to be clean. He felt he needed to prepare for his own death, as he would have if he had to go to the burial of a friend. He showered for a long time, washing his hair as well, shaved. Then he opened his dresser and took out his nicer outfit. Black seemed appropriate, so he put on a black shirt and pants.

He put on some appropriate music, and sang along with the singer, while cleaning up his room. He wanted everything to be perfect.

_I hurt myself today_

_To see if I still feel_

_I focus on the pain_

_The only thing that's real  
_

At last, he sat down on his bed. He vaguely wondered if he should leave a note explaining his suicide, but honestly couldn't think of what it would say.

_What have I become_

_My sweetest friend_

_Everyone I know goes away in the end  
_

Instead, he pulled out the gun from under the covers and pointed it at his chest (his brain too valuable to waste) and without hesitating, he pulled the trigger.

_And you could have it all_

_My empire of dirt_

_I will let you down_

_I will make you hurt_

_disclaimer: the song is Johnny Cash's "Hurt"_

_Please review_


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